What do black men really want in a woman?

[Stephan Bobb]

What do black men really want in a woman?

Single men speak out about the qualities they find most appealing

ANYONE who heeds the gospel preached on America's tell-all talk shows, probably believes that the typical single Black male is constantly on the prowl for short-term relationships with obliging, air-headed, arm ornaments--women who are long on good looks and short on substance.

But let the guys have their say and they'll tell you they're getting a bad rap.

"The media view is pretty one-sided," says 30-year-old computer systems analyst Nate Palm, a resident of the Chicago suburb of Arlington Heights, Ill., who designs billing systems for Covia, the airline industry's principal link to computerized ticketing and reservations. "Oprah and all those shows are all focused on what men do wrong, what we don't do enough of. But you don't really hear the man's side of it."

Once Black men are allowed a word in to rebut the widespread reports of their emotional shortcomings, a far more balanced picture emerges. Yes, most "eligible" Black men (and by that Black women generally mean those who are single, gainfully employed and heterosexual) fully acknowledge that they are in short supply and, therefore, at a premium in the dating world. But that imbalance, contrary to popular belief, has not made them more callous, wanton or self-centered.

In fact, most Black men, when asked, say that what they are looking for in a relationship does not differ appreciably from what most women say they want. "I think what everybody is looking for, and would be blessed to find, is someone who complements us," says Palm, who has never been married, but is open to the prospect. "We all want someone who you feel a bond with; not someone who has one or two specific qualities, but an individual who's a total package, who brings a combination of things to a relationship."

Of course, the "things" one hopes to find within the murky confines of that "total package" vary considerably from man to man. But talk to enough of them, and certain qualities begin to appear on everyone's wish list.

LOOKS

No doubt about it, appearance is important to most men. "The physical has to be at the top of the list because that's the first thing you realize when you meet someone," says Marvin Randall, a divorced, 39-year-old claims representative for State Farm Insurance Co. in Cincinnati. "Of course, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But what's so wonderful about Black women is that you have this tremendous spectrum of beauty, from the relatively light-skinned to the deepest brown. But the physical is important. It's what can make you walk across the room to introduce yourself."

Others express their feelings about appearance in more brutal terms. "I have to be honest, I do not want a shabby-looking woman," says Dr. Michael Hickson, 31, an assistant attending physician at the Columbia University College of Physicians and Surgeons at Harlem Hospital in New York. "I want a woman who takes pride in her looks. I want her to be weight-conscious and to be conscious about keeping herself up. Yes, she should have an inner beauty, but she should have a certain outer beauty also."

But it is not Eurocentric features and long hair weaves that define beauty for most Black men. "A woman doesn't have to be pretty in what you might call the 'classic' sense," says 29-year-old Chicagoan Levi Moore, a communications and issues management specialist for the State ofIllinois. "The raw physical looks aren't as important as her sense of style. I like a woman who can take a contemporary fashion and make that her own unique look."

Robert Sellers, 28, an assistant professor of psychology at the University of Virginia, sums up the feelings of most men on the subject of appearance. "What's attractive varies for me. For certain women, it may be her eyes or her smile. It may be the way she holds her head. But what's important is how she carries herself. I want to feel that she's comfortable with who she is and that she cares about her appearance."

A SENSE OF HUMOR

After looks, a hearty sense of humor is the quality many men say they find most appealing in a woman. Unfortunately, it's also the characteristic they say most women lack.

"A lot of women seem to have a hard time with opening up and showing a sense of humor," says Los Angeles fire inspector Andrew Fields, a 35-year-old divorced father of three. "But to me it's very important to find a woman who likes to laugh. You can't be serious all the time. It just won't work."

More importantly, many men say, that women have made relationships too pensive. "It's gotten to the point that many women have forgotten that there's supposed to be some enjoyment in being involved with someone," says Levi Moore. "I was in a relationship once that was so serious all the time that if I had a choice between continuing to work late or calling this woman, I chose to continue working. That's when I knew I had to end it."

SPIRITUAL GROUNDING

One phenomenon that has gone unreported amidst the profusion of media examinations of Black men is the fact that so many of them have returned to the faith of their upbringing and are searching for women of compatible beliefs.

"It's very important that the lady in my life be someone who was brought up in the church--a Christian person who has values similar to mine," says Louisiana State Sen. Jon D. Johnson, 43. "I think the fundamentals of Christian teaching--honesty, commitment to relationships, commitment to people--are something we all aspire to have and seek to develop, whether we admit it or not."

Some see the current rash of divorces and dating traumas as resulting from the nation's religious decay. "A relationship isn't just something you get into," says Michael Hickson, who for the last four years has been on an ambitious search for a spirtually and emotionally compatible soulmate. "A relationship is very spiritually based, though most people seem to have forgotten that, and that's why we're seeing so many divorces."

A THIRST FOR KNOWLEDGE

Nothing turns men off faster than a woman who's conversation is limited to herself and fashion.

"I love a woman who loves to hear and learn about things outside of her being," says Marvin Randall. "I like women who are as interested in finding out who you are as they are in talking about themselves, a woman whose mind is like a full plate and not just dessert."

INDEPENDENCE

Perhaps the greatest misconception about Black men is that they fear independent Black women. Absolutely false, say many men. And what galls men even more is the fact that many of the women who ridicule them for their insecurity in the face of female independence are the very women who insist on playing by the old chivalrous code of dating.

"A lot of times women who dog brothers for not being able to handle an independent Black female will sit back at dinner and expect you to pick up the tab," says Nate Palm. "Now I'm not cheap, and I don't expect to go dutch, but what are you supposed to do? Either way you go, you'll be labeled."

Men say it's refreshing to meet women with independent likes and dislikes or who have high-powered jobs.

"The last thing I want is someone who doesn't have a strong sense of themselves," says Robert Sellers. "I don't want someone to just be Mrs. Robert Sellers. She should have a sense of purpose that is connected to what she may be doing, no matter what that is."

Adds Andrew Fields: "I'm not interested in a bubble person or a clone. I'm not trying to create a science project. I'm interested in a real person who is not content with mediocrity and doesn't want to limit herself in any arena."

SEXUAL COMPATIBILITY

Ironically, most men say sexual compatibility--at the outset of a relationship--is not of extreme importance. "What's more important is that you're on the same wavelength mentally," says Levi Moore.

Besides, says Marvin Randall, the key to sexual compatibility, is what he calls "sexual respect."

"To me, sexual respect is trying to ascertain what's desired, what's liked and what's appreciated," he says. "It's not like a score card, but if you can find out those things in a very loving way, and if you can instill trust and eliminate inhibition, then everything else falls into place."