DJ COMMUNITY

What Black women really want in a man

by Lynn Norment

PUT a group of single women together--three or four will do--and the conversation is bound to get around to men. These days, with divorce continuing to rise and unattached women quite plentiful, the topic more specifically will focus on what type of man is really Mr. Right.

Ask a dozen Black females this question--what kind of man are you really looking for?--and you'll get a dozen different answers, for every woman has specific, individual desires and needs. But certain criteria repeatedly surface, regardless of whether the woman compiling the wish list is a secretary, corporate executive, artist or college student.

From conversations with dozens of diverse women across the country, it is quite clear that the qualities that today's Black woman values in a man are slightly different from what her mother's generation sought in a mate. Yes, today s Black woman wants a man, but not just any man will do. While it is important that he has a job, most women say they are not necessarily looking for someone to support them. They have their own jobs and paychecks to contribute to the family kitty. Consequently, they want men who will be supportive of their careers, their dreams and goals, their lives in general.

Several women interviewed also emphasize that they want men who will share domestic chores. "You can't say you want an independent career woman and then expect her to do all the housework," says Elizabeth A. Hayes, a systems engineer at Motorola Inc. in Schaumburg, Ill. "I want us to share domestic tasks. "

In 1988, when actress Schyleen Qualls Brown was interviewed for a similar EBONY article, she said: "I want a man with character,' a relationship that provides both people time and space to be together and to themselves." Later that same year, she met and developed a close friendship with Dr. Ronald B. Brown, a San Francisco psychologist and management consultant. They married 18 months later.

"Because we were friends first, I had the chance to see that he had all the qualities that are truly important to me," says Qualls. "He's smart, strong, spiritual, sensitive, successful and savvy."

Today, more women are topping their lists of desirable male traits with noble values such as these. Black women are looking for men who make them feel good about themselves, not merely someone who elevates them in the eyes of society.

What do Black women really want in a man?

Integrity: Black women are tired of being lied to, cheated on and taken for granted. They want a man of integrity, a man with character, a man who is honest and loyal.

Unfortunately, many women have encountered the slick playboy type who lies to women in order to get what he wants, whether it's sex, material goods, shelter or whatever. Other females have been misled by seemingly nice, reputable men who simply can't, or won't, make a decision or devote their affection to one woman only.

"Honesty is still the best policy," says Deneen Harris, a personnel coordinator at the National Bank of Commerce in Memphis. "If he just wants a friendship, then he should make that clear. If the man wants to be more serious, he should let me know."

Emotional support: Overwhelmingly, Black women report that the men in their lives are not supportive of their career efforts. Sure, men say they want independent-minded, working women, but when their lady gets a big promotion or starts making more money than they do, signs of emotional insecurity creep in.

"I want someone who is supportive and not threatened by the fact that I have a career," says Elizabeth Hayes. "Ego and insecurity can really get in the way and mess up a good relationship. Men still expect their careers to come first."

Dianne Hesleph echoes Hayes' sentiments. "I want a man who can deal with a professional woman," says the administrator for the Granite School District in Salt Lake City, Utah. "But he must also be able to recognize that although a woman is professional in her own arena, she still needs companionship."

Dr. Gayle Hamlett, a Denver, Colo., psychologist, says that women want to be accepted for who they are. "They want their men to encourage them to grow and develop their own identity and character, to love them with the purpose of freeing them to grow to their fullest potential, " she says. Today, women in the 90s want unconditional love, love that is free from manipulation and possessiveness."

Romance and intimacy: Yes, it's the '90s, but women still want to be courted the old-fashioned way. They love being surprised with candy and flowers, and they want the man to make the first move. Women want to be romanced, and they want the intimacy, closeness, warmth and caring that go with it.

"I like men who are romantic in every sense of the word, and for whom chivalry is not dead," says Alina Bass, assistant principal at Morton junior High School in Omaha, Neb. "I'm impressed by a man who opens doors and sends flowers and greeting cards to express his feelings. It shows that he cares."

More and more women like Bass are speaking out against the misconception that today's woman doesn't appreciate chivalry and romance. One of them is Patricia Stith, a business analyst at Swiss Bank in New York City. "I love for my man to call me in the middle of the day to say `I love you' even though he has work piled up on his desk," she says. "I love to find flowers after I've had a bad day. Romance is important to me."

Dianne Hesleph says that men don't seem to understand that professional women also need "men who are affectionate, caring, sensitive, and understanding. "

Communication: Talk is cheap, or so the saying goes. But for many women, establishing a good line of communication with the men in their lives is a price-less--and elusive--commodity. If you can't communicate with your man, you don't have a relationship built on anything that will last," says Patricia Stith. "Any man in my life would have to be honest with his feelings, and willing to share them--his fears, fantasies, desires and dreams. We should be able to talk about these things."

Stith says that open communication is integral to her relationship with her fiance, a claims representative for an insurance company. Most woman are not so fortunate.

"My steady says he loves me, and he is good to me in most repects," says a Cleveland, Ohio, nurse. "But when I really need someone to talk to, he either is too busy or makes me feel that my problems are trivial. Even when I'm with him I often feel alone and lonely."

Being able to share with each other on several levels--intellectually, physically and spiritually--is what women want most in men.

Stable income: While most women deny they are looking for men to take care of them, they emphasize that a steady job with decent income is important when considering a mate. This especially poses a problem for single Black professional women who face a shrinking pool of marriageable men with a comparable income.

Consequently, many single women today say they are looking for a man who is ambitious and has potential. Jamie Smith, 22, a senior at Western Michigan University in Kalamazoo, says: "I want someone who is confident and self-motivated. If he is not already doing well, then he must at least have the potential."

Reanetta Hunt feels the same way. "More important than a high income is a man's capability and willingness to earn that income," says the radio talk-show host. "Black men don't get their just share of opportunities in this society, so Black men and women must work together. I wouldn't mind dating a janitor as long as he aspires to own the business."

An Oakland, Calif, businesswoman admits that she made the mistake of marrying for money. Now divorced, she's looking for a husband who is simply gainfully employed. "I found that money will not make a relationship work if you don't have love, compassion, communication and all the other things that should go along with it. But still, it would be difficult, if not impossible, for me to consider a man who is not at least making a steady salary. I don't need his money, but I'm not going to support a man either."