DJ COMMUNITY

Things Only People With Estranged Families Understand

April 3, 2017 | By Julia Austin

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Do you have friends who call their family anytime they need a little confidence boost before an important meeting? Or friends who go home after a breakup because that’s where they feel the most comfortable? Do you ever wonder, “What the heck must that be like?” There are some lucky clans out there that just get along; in addition to being family, they are also friends who speak the same language, have the same values, enjoy the same activities and have similar perspectives on life. Then there are the rest of us who stare at those people, baffled. And we don’t appreciate their judgment, either—sometimes it is just really hard to get along with your family, no matter how hard you try. Here are realities only people who don’t get along with their family understand.

Calling them with good news sucks

When you don’t get along with your family, you usually share good news with them out of obligation rather than out of joy. You know that they’ll say things that will put a dark cloud over your news, rather than elevate it. They rarely respond the way you wish they would.

Holidays are not relaxing

Going home for the holidays isn’t relaxing; it’s a period during which you avoid emotional landmines all day long, and have to ignore infuriating comments because you know responding to them will only lead to a dead end fight. You don’t come back from Christmas “refreshed.”

You don’t want their help

You don’t want them to help you move, or to dog sit for you when you travel. You’re afraid that will mean you have to do a favor for them some day and doing favors for people who have drastically different views and values from yours feels sh*tty.

Your friends are so important

Your friends really are your family. Your friends are the family that you carefully curated for yourself. You looked for people who share the same values and beliefs as you, and you’ve worked very hard to cultivate relationships with them. If you’re in a fight with a friend, it feels much worse than that does for people who have their family to lean on.

You call them from the car

You call your family from the car, or when you’re standing in line at the bank, or any time when you can “kill two birds with one stone.” You don’t take your precious Sunday mornings, when you could be having brunch with friends, to call them for lengthy chats.

Birthdays are uncomfortable

It’s a day when everybody has to bite their tongue every time they would normally say something that would piss you off. They know it, you know it, and it makes everyone a bit uncomfortable.

You feel very guarded when they visit

You have created for yourself this safe, happy sphere where you live. When your family visits you worry they’re going to taint it with their comments and judgments about it.

You always watch what you say

Family dinners are not easy-going, laid back events where everyone is drinking wine and shooting a breeze. You constantly watch what you say for fear that you may spark an argument.

You don’t tell them much

There are some parts of your life that are too precious to you that you would never want your family’s opinions to touch them. You have entire accomplishments, relationships, and experiences you’ve never told your family about.

Being at home can feel lonely

There is nothing lonelier than being around people and still feeling alone. But that’s how you can feel when you go home, because you can’t quite be yourself, and you don’t feel surrounded by like-minded individuals.

couple arguing, breakup

You wouldn’t call them after a breakup

You call your best friend immediately after a breakup—you call your family a few days (or weeks) after when you feel mentally strong enough for all of the degrading, insulting and insensitive comments they’re going to make.

They’re not a loan option

Having to borrow money from your family is your worst nightmare. Even if they would lend it to you, you hate how that would leave you indebted to them, not just financially, but socially.

"Couple having coffee pf"

You have to prep your partners

When bringing a romantic partner home for the first time, you have to give them a long speech, preparing them for the fact that this person is very sensitive about this matter, this person is very critical about these things, and this person can just be a b*tch.

You forget to tell them things

Sometimes you don’t purposefully neglect to tell your family that you got a new job or are moving in with your boyfriend—you just forget. Since they aren’t someone you are naturally excited to call and share news with, if you don’t make a note of it somewhere (like a big “call your mom!” post-it on the fridge) you can forget to tell them entirely.

Everyone thinks you’re a jerk

People who do get along with their families think that the only reason you don’t get along with yours is that you don’t make enough of an effort, and that is very annoying

But people learn

Eventually, you bring your friends and partners home, they see what you deal with there, and they say, “I’m sorry I judged you. I see what you mean now!”

It makes you sad sometimes

Just because you really can’t get along with your family doesn’t mean you don’t want to. You have moments when you feel deeply sad, like when you see families smiling, laughing and hugging at graduation parties, weddings and other big events.

Your wedding will be a fiasco

Even if you want to marry your current partner, you dread planning a wedding because you know that your family will make it a nightmare. People will constantly impose their opinions and demands on your big day, or they simply won’t be as supportive and helpful as you wish they would be.

You don’t know how to build your own family

You can feel a bit lost at times when you think about how you’d like to build your own family. Your family hasn’t been the role model you hoped for, so you’re not quite sure what to base your parenting techniques and marriage habits off of.