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This week's question comes from a guy who can't figure out why his girlfriend doesn't want to work things out -- is it time to throw in the towel? If she's just not that into you, that may be your option.Reader's Question
Hey Doc,I have read all of your articles but not your book yet. I do agree with you that a man has to remain a man by not letting go of himself and who he is; he should not fall into the trap of catering to a woman’s every need and not getting 50% back. I am a nice, good guy who seems to be taken advantage of a lot because I not only take girls out, I also cook dinners for them, am receptive, forgiving, honest, and loyal.
Here’s my situation: I dated Suri for over a year. She was very independent and had a nine-year relationship before me, which was a red flag (either commit or get off the pot is the way I see it). However, I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Things were great until she had to move away from the city -- where I live -- to the suburbs with her grandmother, which was supposed to be temporary but ended up being permanent. At this point we rarely spend time together. I've done all I can to maintain what we had, but she doesn’t have a car and I live a train ride away. To top it all off we both have dogs, but they don’t get along so we can’t stay in one place together.
Where Is The Love?
I have tried to show Suri love and have admitted all my mistakes. Still, I’m upset by her lack of reciprocal effort. I have gotten angry with her to the point where I say mean things to her and it sometimes escalates to hurtful words back and forth. The hurtful words are the excuse for us not getting together.Now it has been over a month and we haven’t spoken. I even used your approach and told Suri I was seeing another girl, but it didn’t work. I sent a few e-mails and once heard back that she doesn’t know what to say. I suppose I shouldn’t want someone in my life who doesn’t seem to want to solve a problem. I can’t figure it out. It’s hard for me to get past this because I have feelings for Suri and there are qualities I really like about her; when we were together things were nice.
I could really use some coaching now as I’m at the end of my rope.
Odin - who’s tried everything
Doc Love's Answer
Hi Odin,You say you have read all of my articles and that you like my material. So when are you going to get my book? Why would you not go to the comprehensive source, “The System,” for everything having to do with women and dating, especially when you’re clearly having trouble? Are you waiting for things to get even worse? Does that make any sense?
Now wait a minute here. First you’re telling me that you don’t believe a man should fall into the trap of catering to a woman, and then you tell me that you’re a nice guy who likes to imitate a doormat for the ladies, including playing chef for them. So you actually do what you say you disagree with. In other words: You’recontradicting yourself here. Why are you so forgiving? What’s to forgive? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “You forgive, and then you get rid of her, my son.”
Keeping Her Distance
You say that Suri’s move to the suburbs turned out to be permanent. How do you know it wasn’t intended to be permanent? How do you know this babe wasn’t just looking for an excuse to get away from you? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “If this girl really liked you, she wouldn’t be moving in with her grandma!” She sure as heck wouldn’t be moving so far away that she has to get on a train to see you. To you Psych majors, when she likes you, she wants to get closer to you, not further away.So now you have the issue of distance -- always a formidable enemy of love -- working against you. This means that this relationship is disintegrating. Lots of men like to blame the breakdown of a relationship on everything else except for the real cause: low Interest Level. This is something you’re doing, Odin, by talking about all the extraneous stuff that could be affecting your relationship with Suri. It’s called rationalization. This syndrome is what keeps most men out there from facing reality when it comes to women -- and I’m all about facing reality.
It's time for Odin to wake up, face reality and learn what to do when she's just not that into you... Next Page >>
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